Coop Commentary - Borderlands 2 (Guest starring thedak!)
We’re back! We, your hosts to Pandora and all its wacky weirdness, have been MIA for the past few weeks due to unavoidable (and totally non-sinister) circumstances, but we have finally returned! What’s more? We brought a friend with us.
What we're still playing:
Who we’re playing:
Mike (blitzio): Apple Green Axton James (INQUE): Sunflower Yellow Salvador Jed (jRev): Zesty Orange Zero David (thedak): Blueberry Blue Axton YES I ran out of ideas so sue me
Yes! For this leg of our neverending quest for loot and justice, we were accompanied by David of the Staring at Screens podcast! Check inside for our latest adventures on Pandora!
We materialized on the outskirts of the Wildlife Preservation and immediately I was lost and confused. What just happened? Why were we out in the wild and not in the relative and mile-high safety of Sanctuary? Why was Mordecai bawling his eyes out? Why did I have gunk all over my shiny robot ninja suit that smelled suspiciously like toasted bird brains?
Not that I would know what toasted bird brains should smell like. Call it a hunch.
It felt like we had skipped a chapter. I vaguely remembered instigating a clan war between a bunch of hicks and a sorry collection of displaced Irishmen all huddled up in their pub. I saw brief, momentary flashes of a mortar shell landing squarely on a tiny wooden house and it toppled down into the valley beneath it and we were laughing and cheering and doing virtual high-fives in a cool and totally not 80s way. I recalled Mordecai’s loyal avian partner-in-crime Bloodwing and our madcap chase into the Wildlife Preservation to get her back.
Oh. Now I remember.
And so we found ourselves back in the high hills surrounding the preservation, confused and disoriented but all fired up to pump more bullets into anyone and anything not rocking a green life bar.
Our new companion thedak proved to be a valuable asset to the party even before the first shot was fired -- the first shot that was meant for a baddie, of course; we did the usual ritual of emptying our magazines into random amusing things like rocks, trash cans, and Claptrap the moment our bodies resolidified. He herded us over to his secret stash -- sponsored by Claptrap beside the infamous dump where he held last session’s sad-ass birthday party -- and upgraded our killing tools with Implements of More Certain Death that he had gathered during his own travels.
It was mostly shotguns and I wasn’t able to put any of them to good use, but INQUE and blitzio certainly got some good ones. My personal favorite was a gravity-defying Tediore shotgun that flew sloooooooowly in a straight, gravity-free line when throw-reloaded.
The next task in our endless series of inane and blood-soaked adventures was to win the allegiance of a so-called Slab King to aid us in the fight against Handsome Jack. I didn’t remember much of this either: just a place called Thousand Cuts, several truckloads of bad guys to shoot, a giant warehouse, many instances of one of us scrambling across the room to revive a downed buddy, and the revelation that -- and I’m really going to spoil this and you’re going to hate me for it if you haven’t played through this quest before -- Slab King was actually Brick from the original Borderlands!
Yes! The old gang was finally complete!
I would usually take advantage of this awkward lull in the narration to talk about the cool guns I’ve been using, but unfortunately, my current arsenal wasn’t all that cool! I had a sniper rifle that spewed lasers that set people on fire, a submachine gun that corrodes metal with its bright green rounds, a pistol only holds three rounds but reloads really, really fast, and blitzio’s triple dildo lightning gun, which I inherited after he picked up a better assault rifle.
So that was fun. We piled on back to Sanctuary, looked at more guns, bought more ammo, and listened to Roland’s stupid recruitment speech ("Lancemen!") for the millionth time.
Seriously. Did he have to leave that thing on the counter right in front of Marcus where an unsuspecting player could accidentally trip it 80% of the time?
Now, Mordecai wanted revenge for Bloodwing. He told us a lot of things about liberating the creatures in the preservation and killing bad guys and all the usual things that we do so well, so we shrugged and said yes. Off we went, back to the site where I first woke up dazed and confused.
We dashed down the gentle hills towards the complex, wasting stalkers and robots and other grotesque creatures left and right in a furious display of trigger-happy joy compounded by an ammo regeneration team perk. We forded shallow rivers and fought our way past giant metal gates and through the enormous complex and... everything stopped working.
I’d like to say it was a Groundhog Day-esque time loop we found ourselves into, but we were just experiencing some very bad network problems. We ran through the map a total of three times before we successfully made it to the end, and by the third time, we were slicing through the enemy ranks like a highly trained special forces unit, calling out bad guys almost before they appeared. On regular days we just winged it, but on time loop days, we are the scalpel of the resistance.
Something like that. Yeah?
In an awesome and totally expected turn of events, thedak proved to be an excellent addition to our team! He called out targets, revived fallen comrades, called our attention to much-needed health drops, and played like an all-around bro. He even identified "hostiles at 12 o'clock" in a totally non-ironic way! Just like one of us! One of us! One of us!
And so, with a full team of four and a Wildlife Preservation devoid of any sentient life, we called it a day and ported back to Sanctuary. Not a bad end for a day full of surprises, time loops, and guns (not bullets) that defy gravity!
Once again in Borderlands 2, I was faced with my childhood. How did I deal with it? Well by blowing its face off just like I did with “Flinter and the Mutants” a few play sessions ago. I found myself orchestrating its destruction once more as shotgun shells ripped through the bodies of “Pimon and Tumba” yes, totally not those characters from our beloved Lion King am I right? So lets see how many pop culture references have we seen so far in the game; Top Gun? Check! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Check! Jurassic Park? Check! Lion King? Check!
We had a new addition this time, our buddy Dave / @thedak from @StaringatScreens podcast joined us for the fun. It just so happened that Dave also had an existing character as Axton the commando which meant we had some decent firepower in the form of our sentry guns. A whole lot of destruction rained down everytime we needed to hold our ground as rocket barrages followed by machine guns were trained on anything that moved, both aerial and ground enemies alike.
Most of the combat took place in an area that one can say resembled very much Jurassic Park, with the electric fences and cages. Tip o’ the ol’ hat there to Gearbox for the constant stream of pop culture references.
Ahh what an excellent new kompadre thedak was! Giving free guns like there was no tomorrow! And boy! I love me some free guns!!
Most especially the assault rifle that fired slag. It fired in an arc, and at first I thought there was something wrong with it and was going to angrily break it apart, and then after a while I understood how it worked and grinned wildly.
I kept pulling that trigger and pulled it some more when Gunzerking!
Ahh I could kiss that slag loving thedak right in the lips!
Next time: the city of Opportunity, a bajillion small firefights that coalesce into just a jillion enormous battles, and the death of Handsome Jack! Or maybe just his clone! Stay tuned!